under the thousands stars …

your bright eyes turn weep in shadow, I know you was surprised but that’s me..

your hands just hangin in the air, though i willing to touch your skin just only once more..

yes, I am a lonner and I can’t change that..

but that is not the matter of loving you.. you still the one who ever breakthrough to my deep heart and steal a piece of my dream..

you have yours and I have mine..

we are the wrong couple and we never meant to be together..

we living in our path and create our own dream..

still, you are the only one who ever touch my loneliness..

and give a bright color in my grey dream..

thanks, but… good bye!

we meet again in another life, with another awesome story…

just every time you see thousands stars above you…

remember that once upon a time, somewhere.. you and me hug each other just to see the falling star..

to love, to loose, to live a life.. in the heart that never be the same again…

 

 

in memoriam of my father.. 27 July 1987 – 27 July 2013 (part 1)

My father has pass away on July 28 1987. Every year since then, I always remembering each precious moment I had with my father.

He has made me loving Wayang/puppet through his story tale, He always called me with a unik name “Pancali or well known as Drupadi, Pandawa’s wife” and I often asked, why He always called me with that name… and He will began his story of Drupadi, princess of Pancala …

Drupadi was born from a fire right after Drestadyumna (her brother) as a gift from Dewata. Her dark skin not making her ugly, moreover she has a different beauty and bright mind. She grew as a lively girl, impatient, full of strange questions, and a feminist also.
She never think that a princess should always be serviced by a maid or, can’t go out everywhere she wants.
She always need to be satisfied of her complex questions and only Khrisna (incarnation of dewa Wishnu/ god of earth guardian) who can give her a good answers.
Drupadi, married through an archery contest, Arjuna win the contest but suddenly she should marry all of Pandawa ( 5 brothers) because Kunthi ( Pandawa’s mother) has slip tongue to share the gift for all pandawa.
Along her life, Drupadi has through many suffering event but she always have a strength and courage to get thru it.

I often asked my father, am I looks like Pancali ?? He just smile and he said :”learn from her, Lulu… and be courage with your life then”.

My father had passed away in my early years, I wasn’t ready yet to be left (but who will ??). And until now, all of his story tale is living in my mind. I become an independent person, still impatient but more in tolerance…still has many strange questions about life but look the answers from listening around…

anyhow, I thank to my father. He truly make me be a different woman.
To be a WOMAN among the WOMEN

drupadi-solo-05

love you pop…

it is all about you

to love you or to love you not
to hug you or to hug you not
to reach you or to reach you not…

to let you go or to keep you here

to me, 
too confusing…

let me think…
until I know…
it is not
too late for you to go

teach me,
to see the beauty of letting you go
and believe
that you will find the real world of your self

Masih tentang cinta tanpa syarat …

banyak orang bertanya padaku di akhir minggu kemarin,
bagaimana kita bisa merasakan sebuah cinta hinggap di hati dan mendapati bahwa itu adalah rasa yang tepat pada orang yang tepat untuk sebuah relasi yang serius…..

pertama, aku menyatakan… setiap relasi, apapun bentuknya adalah sesuatu yang serius, tak pernah ada sebuah relasi yang bersifat main-main,bahkan dalam sebuah permainan-pun…kita akan melakukannya dengan serius.

kedua, aku menyatakan….ada beberapa kriteria yang mampu menggambarkan sedikit hal menuju pada kecocokan… aku tegaskan disini… hanya menggambarkan sedikit hal saja dari sesuatu yang sangat-sangat kompleks..
1. jika pada saat bersamanya, kau merasa waktu seperti terhenti… tak ada bosannya kau 
berbicara dengan dirinya.
2. saat bersamanya, kau merasa homy… seperti sedang berada di rumah dan tidak 
canggung untuk melakukan apapun….seburuk apapun dan tahu betul bahwa kau akan
diterima apa adanya.
3. bahkan jika kau dan dia memiliki selera humor yang berbeda… kau merasa sangat
santai dan gembira…penuh dengan canda dan tawa, saling mengisi pembicaraan…
4. kau bisa bercerita apa saja padanya, tanpa merasa harus merahasiakan sesuatu…
percaya bahwa ia adalah sahabat sejati yang akan mau dan mampu mendengar keluh
kesahmu
5. terakhir…. hati kecilmu merasakan bahwa padanya lah kamu bisa mempercayakan
seluruh diri pribadimu…utuh, tanpa kecuali.

sebagai penutup dari diskusi kami…. aku mengatakan, kita tidak pernah akan mampu merasakan lima hal diatas, selama kita masih mensyaratkan sesuatu pada bentuk hubungan yang akan dijalin…
entah secara fisik, psikis bahkan spiritualitas tertentu…. jika kau sudah memilih maka pilihan yang kau ambil bersifat paket super plus-plus…. seluruh dari dirinya, dari A sampai Z…. tanpa terkecuali, termasuk deviasi dan deklinasi yang terjadi….. seluruhnya kau ambil dan kau bawa serta dalam hatimu…. tanpa terkecuali, tanpa syarat apapun…..

maka pertanyaan yang timbul…..
mampukan kita bertunduk hati untuk mengakui bahwa kita mencintai seseorang dan mau menerima keberadaan dan ketiadaannya sekaligus….?
mampukah kita menyatakan secara lantang cinta yang kita punya padanya ?
mampukah kita menjadi diri sendiri, tak menutupi apapun, tak menghindari apapun…tanpa malu-malu mengakui dan menyatakan isi hati kita….?
untuk kemudian saling menerimakan diri, menjalin sebuah relasi yang hakiki….tak terpisahkan oleh lekangnya waktu….tak tekikis oleh badai menderu….tak pernah habis hingga akhir jaman….

(I wish i can prove these words to somebody…. sayang, belum ada yang berani coba hahahahaha)

what a very nice weekend…..

responsibility

There are those who say that, metaphysically, we choose all the circumstances of our life – our parents, our health, our physical characteristics, our race, and our cultural and geographical orientation – before we are born, and that we come into this life knowing, at some level, that we have to use those circumstances for our inner growth.

I don’t know whether this is true, though I like to believe it is. But I do know that if I see my life as my responsibility, then I can make the changes necessary to create what I want and need to be happy.

If I take the position that someone else – a supreme power or whatever – is in charge and will take care of everything, I could be stuck for ages in circumstances I’m not happy about and feel powerless to change them. I’ve learned that if there’s something in my life that doesn’t work, and I’m waiting for someone else to fix it, I’d better not be holding my breath.

Nowhere is this more applicable than in the inner realms. If you’re already taking responsibility for the outer areas of your life, it will be easier to make the choices you need to make for your spiritual growth

Use Affirmations

An affirmation is a mental or verbal declaration to yourself and to the universe about how you want your life to be. Words and thoughts are powerful things. Your life as it is right now is a physical manifestation of all your thoughts, both positive and negative.

Positive affirmations are an effective tool for clearing the negativity out of our minds and our lives, and for propelling us along in our efforts to create our lives exactly the way we want them to be.

I’ve used affirmations for years in my personal and business life. Anyone who has used them consistently knows how effective they can be in helping us to achieve what we want in our lives. But I was well into my inner search before it dawned on me that affirmations could be effective there as well.
Take some time in the next few days, either on your own or with an appropriate book, to come up with a personal statement that expresses the thing or things you most want in your life right now – peace, tranquility, simplicity, wisdom, enlightenment, omniscience, spiritual growth, whatever…

Make your affirmation a positive statement that declares to your self and to the universe that you have this thing or quality in your life right now, such as “I live a simple, peaceful life.”

it doesn’t matter if the statements you affirm are not true yet. Repetition of an affirmation, combined with belief and imagination, enhances the ability of your subconscious mind to bring about the reality you affirm.

I usually use a section of a journal to record my affirmations for my daily use. Get into the habit of actively thinking about and repeating selected ones to my self throughout the day. I use whatever i have to works as my reminder until the habit of working with my affirmations for my inner growth is firmly established.

then, I prepared to change and/or adapt my affirmations as my life changes, and me gradually begin to become the things as I affirm to be…

(thanks to Chris and Teaw, the words you gave is in my daily affirmations now. Thanks a bunch!)

Stop worrying

Worry, Like Negative Thinking, is habit. And, like negative thinking or any other habit, it can be broken once we become aware of it. But worry is sometimes so subtle and so insidious – and so pervasive in our society – that we can worry for years and not even be aware of it.

I learned this lesson a few years back when I had taken swimming and diving certificate. After months of long, hard, demanding days and many sleepless night when I would lie awake worrying if everything would be alright, the diving exam was finally completed. It was out of my hands; there was not a single thing more I could possibly do about it.

One night, few days later, before I had had chance to dive in Ujung kulon and it was my first dive after my examination, I realized I was still waking in the middle of the night and lying there worrying – even though there was nothing at all to worry about. Perhaps this same thing has happened to you.
As I lay there, I had one those lightbulb experiences we all have from time to time. I saw in a flash that I’d been moving through life from one worry to the next. I examined each of the circumstances as I could remember them, and it became clear that not only had there never been anything to worry about, but worrying had never served any useful function. It was totally wasted energy that kept me from experiencing the joy of the moment and from getting any real sense of accomplishment from my life.

If you are a worrier, think about using some method that works for you, to become aware of of the extent of your habit. Then, if necessary, use the discipline calendar (as I’m) to eliminate worries from your life.
A worry-free life is incredibly liberating, and it will help you achieve inner peace…

tentang sebuah tatap mata

alis tebal yang bergelung di atas binar mata penuh harap
seakan membawa ku berdiri diatas papan selancar menyambut ombak menggelegak
ah, aku akan duduk sejenak menikmati sensasi
mencari-cari dalam hati, sebelum mati…

ah, aku hanya ingin duduk sesaat saja, semoga kau tak terus menatapku dengan binar itu
atau aku akan hilang lenyap dalam lautan dan enggan untuk menengadah lagi pada dunia

quite living … quite heart

you are there but you are not there

you are smile but you aren’t

you said you’d be with me

but fact is you are always with your own busyness…

 

I ain’t need your body, I need you

I ain’t need your time, I need you

I ain’t need your presence without your presence…

 

it ain’t gonna work this way….

 

my tongue is iced because you never there as you are there…

my eyes is blind with everything around me and I am lost …

 

silence is golden but it is a killing zone …

and it’s kill me … it is kill me…

 

once upon a time, I was born alone…. and I used to live in loneliness ….

………

break routine once in a while

For me, it’s truly helpful to have a daily routine, but getting too attached to it can limit my growth. I’ve found it tremendously beneficial to completely break the pattern from time to time.

Every now and then, I stop meditating for a couple of days, possibly even a week. I also stop or cut back on the other inner practices I’ve been developing.

Partly what breaking the routine does is create some confusion and some insecurity in our psyche. This is beneficial because it forces us to think about what we’re doing. It gives us a chance to take a close look at whether these activities are contributing to our inner growth, or if they’re just something else we feel we have to do.

Rituals and habits are important, but if we forget why we’re doing them, or if they’ve lost meaning because at some level we’ve moved beyond them, then they become one more meaningless ceremony that isn’t adding anything positive to our lives.
Breaking the routine also keeps us open to trying new things. What works for you today may not necessarily work for you next month, or next year.

Like all growth, inner growth is a process. Once we’ve learned to crawl, then we can learn to walk, and then we can learn to run. Breaking the routine from time to time insures that we won’t get stuck in the crawling. Also, it helps to remind us that the things we do to make up the routine are simply tools for our inner expansion. Don’t mistake the tools for the growth.

accept the things you can’t change

Taking responsibility for your life also means accepting the things you can’t change.
If you’re short and want to be tall, or you’re and endomorph and wish you were an ectomorph, if you’re born with some impediment or acquired one along the way, or if you find yourself in any particular set of circumstances that are absolute, immutable, and irreversible, then you basically have two options. You can rant and rave and curse and indulge in remorse or guilt or self-pity. Or you can go with the hand you were dealt and play the game the best you can.
You can be open to the possibility that those who say we have chosen our circumstances are correct, and then set about figuring out what you can learn from your life by making the most of it.
When you look at the personal limitations someone like Helen Keller had to deal with, and the extent to which she overcame them – not to mention the tremendous contribution she made with her life – you can see that is possible to cooperate with the inescapable.
Going within to find the meaning of our lives does not mean seeking to avoid the challenges our circumstances present. Rather it means finding the grace to learn how to live our lives to the fullest extent possible – whatever that is for us – and, in the acceptance, to move on to the highest level of growth we can.

#late conversation, nice and okay

manis kata sering serupa pisau dalam hati

manis kata-kata membungkus lidah dan bibirmu
dengan lenggak lenggok mata penuh cinta
melambungkan hati tiap telapak tangan yang kau sentuh
menerbangkan jiwa yang kau rangkul
sementara pisaumu mulai menusuk dan merogoh jantung

manis kata-kata terbalut gula cinta harum madu renjana
memeluk rentan tubuh dalam gemigil hati
sementara pisaumu menorehkan luka sayatan yang dalam

senyummu tak lagi akan kupedulikan
tanganmu tak lagi akan kuraih
cintamu dengan gembira akan kutepis

sebab aku sudah merasakan
pisau penoreh luka dalam manis madu kalimat
yang kau bisikkan padaku, di dekat jantungku

Cinta diri

ketika seorang teman bertanya padaku,
apa yang paling engkau cinta di dunia ini

aku bilang.. aku paling mencintai diriku, apa adanya
lalu ia berbalik sambil mencibir dan berkata…
kau sungguh egois!

aku bilang padanya….
sungguh, aku perlu untuk mencintai diriku sendiri
sebelum aku bisa merasakan cinta pada orang lain
sebab, jika aku tidak mampu mencintai diriku
bagaimana mungkin aku mampu memberikan cintaku pada orang lain

aku ingin mampu mencintai orang lain seperti aku mencintai diriku sendiri,
hingga aku rela memberikan hidupku demi dirinya

 

#obrolan keras tentang berkeputusan soal cinta…

sometimes, many times, i love you !

sometimes, I feel missing your thought and your words of brilliant idea
sometimes, I feel need to close to You just for listening your stories of life, land and look
sometimes, I feel I would click the phone to hear your voice but I never dare enough
sometimes, I feel You are the perfect person in the world and I’m glad to be near You

many times….
You are just in my mind,
playing with my day dreams

many times….
I touch your heart,
feeling the beat of life You have
in my day dreams

many times…..
You just too perfect to me
and I wouldn’t dare enough to say

I love You…. in my day dreams

I just keep smile in silence

In my lone world
sometime it’s difficult for me to understand the trick of communication
too much characters I should understand and most of them demand to be understood by others.
me, just stuck in silence and trying to peel it one by one …

Age, commonly presented how they do the communication but age are not the only criterion, so we can not making a generality about how they would communicate. But, I often find that everybody want’s to be understood as the way as they think..

I remember, my school friend was told me about ” my mind isn’t a translucent glass , you can’t knowing it unless I tell it to you”
but, the fact is… most people want to be understand by other in untold language. Yes, I said “want” not “need”, because no one can know what’s in others mind, but they wish, others can understand them straight away, just the way they think.

sometime, in my lone world….
I just stuck in silence and smile, what else I can do…

 

#maybe you are right, I am a coward of being open with my life….

this is not about love

this is not about love 

when you said love to her for these long years

and wake up everyday besides her almost every morning

that is not about love at all

 

this not about love nor about care

this is about choosing somebody to be beside you in your life

this not about what your feeling about her

and will never had any ending

that is not about love at all

 

when you saying I DO to her long time ago

you had choose to be with her as long as you live

through your back pain and her wrinkles cheek

through your bad dreams and her tears

through her possessive heart and your need to be free for a while

 

this is not about love…. not about love at all

this is about choosing to be her life in your life

and that’s never have any ending until time won’t clicking anymore..

 

#happy anniversary pak Mukti ! …. be honest, be her life …. for the rest of your life

create simplicity, not austerity

When I first started to let go of some of the distractions I had unthinkingly allowed to accumulate in my life and to look within, a friend said to me, “But I don’t want an austere life.”

I said, “I don’t either!”

 

He had the idea that we were going to give everything away and go live in a hut in the wilderness.

I explained to him that getting rid of a lot of our stuff and moving toward an inwardly simple life is not about deprivation or denying ourselves the things we want. It’s about getting rid of the things that no longer contribute to the fullness of our lives.

 

It’s also about creating balance between our outer and inner lives. One of the issues many of us are dealing with now is coming back to our centers after having spent so much time pursuing careers and creating fortunes in the outside world.

 

 

We’ve neglected the inner worlds, and our souls are craving some attention. Devoting more time and energy to the cultivation of our inner lives will help us create that balance and also enable us to live our outer lives more fully.

 

But living fully doesn’t mean having it all, going everywhere, doing everything, and being all things to all people. Many of us are beginning to see that too much is too much. Doing too much and having too much get in the way of being able to enjoy the things we do want in our lives, and to simply be who we are.

 

 

Achieving a level of inner simplicity make it possible to choose intelligently the things that are meaingful in our lives and that contribute to our happiness and our peace of mind.

It may ultimately mean doing fewer things and having less stuff, but that decision will come, not from self-denial, but from the wisdom that comes by taking the time to figure out what is important to us, and letting go of all the rest.

 

 

 

#silent thinking while starbathing at Rinca island with bunch of crazy people… missing you all guys…

 

loneliness in crowd

many people hiding they feeling of loneliness

they said that they had a happy living after all

they pretend that the universe is their friend

and as they said that, who can be alone in the universe.

 

but, through the time

as it goes by..

they begin to feel the emptyness inside

they loosing the control to own the feeling

their feeling not obey them anymore

 

the loneliness start to creep

filling the cracks in their heart and stay there  without compromise

the loneliness has taking control and begin the expansion….

#facing many empty looking face, and they pretended liked it…. (pasfest)

judging others

One of problems that comes from being raised in a patriotic and chauvinistic culture like Indonesia is that we are bred from birth to believe in our own superiority. It’s not only patriotism that instills this conviction. Our religions, our ethnic backgrounds, our educational and cultural training, and the media advertising we are exposed to all teach us, sometimes inadvertently, we’re supposed to be better than the next guy.

 

Often, we go through life believing it’s natural to look down on someone else because of the way they dress, where they live, the work they do, the amount of money they have in the bank, and whether or not they use deodorant soap.This pervades every area of our lives. We are bombarded daily with hundreds of judgments, many of which we’re not even consciously aware of.

 

When we start to glimpse the possibility that we’re here for reasons other than owning a house on two acres and a four-wheel drive vehicle, we get the opportunity to take a look at our judgments and to see how they get in the way of our inner growth.

 

Once you start to understand that you’re here for some other purpose, then you have to make the connection that we’re all here for some other purpose, even if we don’t all realize it, and even if we don’t know what that purpose is yet.

 

At some point we begin to get the picture that we’re all in this together, and that we’re each doing the best we can with what we’ve got. It’s not our place to judge where someone else is on their path.

 

The process of learning to suspend our judgment about other people and situations can be particularly arduous one because we have so much training to overcome. But, as with other habit patterns, overcoming it starts with awareness of how judgmental we are in every area of our lives.

 

Once we begin to see how often we subtly dismiss others because they don’t live up to our standards, we can slowly start to let go of our judgments and get back to trying to figure out what we came here to do. And then get on with it…

 

# silent thought, al tahrir – pasfest.

aku kehilangan warnamu…

Bertemu dengan 1 hari biasa tapi tak biasa

bergegas menarik semangat dan membungkusnya erat-erat

menarik nafas panjang dan dalam demi sebuah impian

sebab waktu bergulir dan tidak pernah terlambat sampai

aku, masih saja duduk menyerumput segelas teh hangat sebelum beranjak

 

melihatmu terkulai, terinjak, terpanggang

dengan warna yang kian pucat tiap kali kita saling bertatap

dan manusia dengan bertepuk dada penuh bangga

menyedot nadi hidupmu sedikit demi sedikit

aku, masih manis duduk dan menyerumput teh hangat sejak tadi

 

sabar sahabat dalam diam-ku

aku akan membelai mu dengan semangat dan daya tak kunjung putus

sebab hingga sekarang ini… cuma kamu yang bisa memahami diamku

cuma kamu yang bisa menerima lekuk lukaku dan membasuhnya dengan keindahan tak terkatakan

 

sebab ketika kusambangi saudara hijaumu.. kutemukan kesombongan dan keponggahan

sebab ketika kurambahi saudara kristal gelap misteriusmu… kudapati keangkuhan hitam penuh nafsu membunuh

sebab ketika kuselami birumu yang menghanyutkan… kau menerimaku dengan segala adaku

 

kini, biarkan aku yang berupaya mencintaimu dan menyembuhkan lukamu

sebab kaupun membasuh luka dalam peluk diam mu

dan kita kelak akan tersenyum bersama, menyaksikan ikan-ikan kecil berlarian bermain disela anggun warnamu.

Ini Tentang Kau

tentang sebuah hutan yang bukan hutan kelam… dengan buku terbuka yang memancing untuk dibaca

diantara 2 pasang kaki, ada sepasang mata dan sebuah senyum

yang ternyata menelusup jauh lebih dalam dan tinggal dalam dekapan

hutan dengan jalan setapak yang kerap dilalui dan senyum yang selalu menempel dalam ingatan

berharap keteguhan yang sempurna dan telusup peluk diantaranya

sebab genggamku tak kau tolak walau nyata terang kau berjejalan dengan nya..

tidak gemerlap, justru biasa saja yang kau sajikan dihadapanku… tapi kau mengikat erat hatiku karenanya

sementara kaki2 berjejalan di deretan rumah dan jalan kecil, 

tentang sebuah jalan panjang dan lengang… dengan cahaya2 temaram di sisi2 jalan…  tapi demikian sendirian dan tidak ramah untuk dimasuki..

tentang sebuah perjalanan yang memuat pikiran2 sempit dan penuh celah, tempat sembunyi dan mengelak

tentang sepasang tangan yang saling bergandengan dijalan sempit mendaki

dengan warung dan pohon kecil di kiri kanan jalan

saling bercengkrama dan bercerita.. tentang kekasih hati..

sedang hati mereka saling memagut dan bercinta

mereka tahu, itu renjana… tapi mereka menikmati tiap jengkal rahasia

yang tak diketahui kekasih hatinya….

ah, begitu banyak yang semakin banyak… penuh dan nyaris membuncah keluar… 

tema yang klasik dan nyaris basi dalam kehidupan… tentang tobat yang bukan sejajar dengan kata maaf

tentang pemurnian yang tidak sebanding dengan pembenaran

tentang ketulusan… dan kebenaran yang tulus

ah…. kutub yang berbeda, andai bukan kau yang memegang ujung simpulnya..